I Wanna Be a Man, a Real Man

Today I got board and wrote this story! Have fun! Remember, Groundhogs day is just around the corner!

I Wanna Be a Man, a Real Man

Have you ever seen ‘em sunflowers that are so yella they looked white? Well I have. They have big black centers that kind of look like a black hole that sucked all the yella out of the petals. Other than that devil black center and creamy petals they looked like normal sunflowers. Their about yay high and their stems are the typical forest green covered in them dang poky hairs that irritate my skin. I hate them things! Well the day that Bob Willis became a man is a day I’ll never forget; I’ll forget how to pull up my pants before I forget that day.

It was the summer of ’27 and we were just released from that pen house some folks like to call a school. They said we was suppose to learn somethin’ from that institution of higher education, but the only thing I remember is the principle of the willow switch. The way the principle of the willow switch works is like this, the thinner the willow switch got the longer I’d remember them.

Well we’d just been released from the pen on the understanding that this here was a probationary period. Well I’ll tell you what, that’s all the telling ol' Bob and I needed. We turned and ran faster than a spooked calf. We weren’t gonna talk any chances, knowing the school mister we understood that he’d reconsider if we gave him half a chance to.

Bob Willis and I weren’t loved by our parents because of our bright ideas. Now that I think of it, I don’t think we were loved by our parents, that’s another story for another day. As I was sayin’, we weren’t known for the best ideas just for the abundance of them; between the two of us and my dog, Archibald, we shared a brain. That’s a lot of ways to split a brain.

Bob and I weren’t friends because we were found of each other, simply ‘cause there was only one other boy in our grade, Fritzwilliam. A name says a lot about a person, for Fritz it meant his parents didn’t care too much for him neither; he also had a habit of spitin’ when he talked.

I remember that was one of the hottest summers in history. We didn’t have to worry ‘bout them rats, they just cooked inside the walls. Preacher Gillard said that the only reason why the heat hadn't killed Bob, Archibald and I was ‘cause the devil hadn’t yet finished his purpose by us, Grandma naturally agreed. After meetin’ my grandma Bob was glad his grandma was dead.

We was sittin’ out by our old fishin’ spot waiting for a bite when Bob turned to me and said, “If Preacher Gillard is right about the devil keepin’ us alive ‘cause he ain’t finished his purpose by us then your grandma ain’t never gonna die!” I don’t think Bob was what some folks would consider intelligent but right then he sounded down right philosophical. Then I got scared, real scared; what if she ain’t never die?! I knew her time was long past expired, but maybe it wasn’t natural. Maybe it was the devils doin’.

That was the day Bob became a man. After soundin’ so smart we figured he was sufferin’ from some sorta heat stroke. The sun was hot and most of the frogs stopped moving, Bob though that they done there and boiled in the emerald waters of the fishin’ hole. We stripped down until only the suits nature gave us was visible. Archibald lay in the shade of a near by tree sleeping.

Now that’s the way life should be; natural. We splashed and swam havin’ a famous time, that is until I saw a shadow in the water. I thought it might be a snapping turtle, “nah, it can’t be a snappin’ turtle, not in our hole!” We continued to swim when Bob’s eyes got real wide, and then he sang a note so high I ain’t never heard nobody go so high since. Bob was never keen about choir but right then I knew Oak Branch choir was missin’ the strongest soprano on this side of the Mississippi. Well Bob moved fast. He didn’t wait a second. He started hopping around, just searching for a way out of the water. I just stood there all moon-eyed and scared.

“Bob, Bob! What’s gotcha? Is it a turtle?! Did it get ya? Huh, huh?”

Bob was too busy looking for a solution to answer me, he found an easy bank and hopped out still screaming. His back was to me but I could see the perpetrator. Just as I thought, it was a nasty, ol’, ugly, snappin’ turtle hangin’ low off of the rear end of Bob Willis.

Well I sprang into action. I started gathering as many rocks as I could find. When there was enough to build a tower as high as the Sears Tower I started throwin’ ‘em just hopin’ that I’d hit the turtles back and spook him off Bob’s rear. Well with Bob jumpin’ and twirrlin’ like a ballerina my aim was compromised. It was really hard to take aim. I’d say that I missed a few times; Bob says that I have the worst aim in Oak Branch county and that day proved it.

Well he started dancing around my pitches moving back and forth. I took aim and threw. I hit him strait in the throat which stopped the bellerin ’, I was mighty grateful for that. I took aim again and threw. This time he pranced out of the rocks line of action and stepped on the sleeping Archibald.

How Archibald remained asleep all that time was beyond our reasoning. Archibald reacted accordingly; he let lose with a yell. The baritone moan must have done the trick for the turtle. It spooked him, he released his jaws and slunk back to the water. I was out of the water faster than Bob could talk.

“Bob,” I said, “how ya feelin’?”

“Hades couldn’t have made that hurt more.” Was all the reply I got.

We dressed and started walking home in silence.

“Ya know, Charlie Bewered said that the day he became a real man was when his friend, Joe accidently shot him in the rear.” I tried to make my voice sound consoling.

“Hm,”

I could see he was thinking it over. He scratched his head and looked like he was in real pain.

“Now that you mention it, I do feel like a real man. I think it has to do with the ‘mount of pain suffered that determines if you’re a man or not.”

I had a growing desire to go back and see if I could get bit myself! The sun set over the field of white sunflowers. Why does all the great things happen to Bob? I wondered as he limped slightly a head of me and Archibald.

Steph